Rude Awakening
Writing began on 1/28/13
I don't really even know where to begin.
This post is for me. It's not for anyone else. It's for me in the sense that I'm writing for my own sanity. I'm writing as a stress-relief. I'm writing so I'll always remember the moments, the feelings, this time. I'm writing so that my struggles are documented and so my thoughts can somehow become un-jumbled in my head. This is my outlet.
It's been a long past 15 months. It's been full of tears and heartache and laughter and joy and goodness. And it's contained more than a few moments where I live with a sinking pit in my stomach. Now is one of those moments.
It's a rude awakening.
Everyone has experienced that before, I'm sure. Your underdog sports rival rises up and totally dominates, deviated motivations in a relationship are unveiled, a cup of water to the face as a good morning (what?). They're rude awakenings.
And I'm in the midst of one of those right now.
A punch in the stomach, a slap in the face, hitting a brick wall.
Seriously, Satan, it is super RUDE.
Sheesh.
Satan knows just how to get to me. He's good at his job. He knows exactly how to knock me off my horse when I'm feeling good, when I'm on fire for God, when I feel safe. That's how I felt on Sunday. I was surrounded on Sunday by godly people who were put into my life at just the right time. I was uplifted by friendship, fellowship, community, and laughter. I felt good, I felt safe, God felt near.
And then came Monday.
Monday was a raging current coming in to buckle my knees, to send me into a haze of vulnerability surrounded by walls of terror.
I was not prepared.
Life itself is full of surprises, twists, adventures, the unforeseen, ambushes. No one can be prepared for all of them -- or any of them really. It's what makes life special. It's what keeps us on our toes, it's what makes this world interesting. And all the negative twists, all that bad news -- it's going to happen. To everyone. In many different ways.
So.
How do we handle ourselves in the midst of the storm?
Being confronted with a rude awakening, I had to face previous expectations directly in the face. Those expectations went from dauntless to impossible.
All I could timidly voice was, "...okeedokee."
Rude awakening.
....but the bottom line is that I'm awake...!
I may feel like I'm living in a fog. I may feel, often, that my dreams are far more desirable than my reality. I may feel that constant pit in my stomach. I may feel like I'm up against the impossible.
But... I'm awake.
And I'm living.
And I'm living for one thing only...glory to my god!
And do I have control over it? Not at all.
Mom is incredible. Her faith and dad's faith has been an example of strength and grace unparalleled. I know that God gave Zach and I those two as gifts. We are so grateful; our Lord is so good!
And our family is not giving up the fight. It's not within my nature to accept that there is nothing left to do. I'm always looking for loopholes, for rules to break, for glass ceilings to shatter. :) This situation is certainly no different.
So, Satan. Your rude awakening did not keep me down. It's not holding our family back.
Mom is alive! We are dynamic, we are sustained, we are growing in a purposeful direction -- closer to the heart of our Creator. Being on that path allows God to chisel our hearts into shapes where His peace prevails.
May all the dark and all the bright days ahead show that everlasting peace reigning supreme.
Boom.
I don't really even know where to begin.
This post is for me. It's not for anyone else. It's for me in the sense that I'm writing for my own sanity. I'm writing as a stress-relief. I'm writing so I'll always remember the moments, the feelings, this time. I'm writing so that my struggles are documented and so my thoughts can somehow become un-jumbled in my head. This is my outlet.
It's been a long past 15 months. It's been full of tears and heartache and laughter and joy and goodness. And it's contained more than a few moments where I live with a sinking pit in my stomach. Now is one of those moments.
It's a rude awakening.
Everyone has experienced that before, I'm sure. Your underdog sports rival rises up and totally dominates, deviated motivations in a relationship are unveiled, a cup of water to the face as a good morning (what?). They're rude awakenings.
And I'm in the midst of one of those right now.
A punch in the stomach, a slap in the face, hitting a brick wall.
Seriously, Satan, it is super RUDE.
Sheesh.
Satan knows just how to get to me. He's good at his job. He knows exactly how to knock me off my horse when I'm feeling good, when I'm on fire for God, when I feel safe. That's how I felt on Sunday. I was surrounded on Sunday by godly people who were put into my life at just the right time. I was uplifted by friendship, fellowship, community, and laughter. I felt good, I felt safe, God felt near.
And then came Monday.
Monday was a raging current coming in to buckle my knees, to send me into a haze of vulnerability surrounded by walls of terror.
I was not prepared.
Life itself is full of surprises, twists, adventures, the unforeseen, ambushes. No one can be prepared for all of them -- or any of them really. It's what makes life special. It's what keeps us on our toes, it's what makes this world interesting. And all the negative twists, all that bad news -- it's going to happen. To everyone. In many different ways.
So.
How do we handle ourselves in the midst of the storm?
Being confronted with a rude awakening, I had to face previous expectations directly in the face. Those expectations went from dauntless to impossible.
All I could timidly voice was, "...okeedokee."
Rude awakening.
....but the bottom line is that I'm awake...!
I may feel like I'm living in a fog. I may feel, often, that my dreams are far more desirable than my reality. I may feel that constant pit in my stomach. I may feel like I'm up against the impossible.
But... I'm awake.
And I'm living.
And I'm living for one thing only...glory to my god!
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Do I want my mother to be able to meet, to hold her grandchildren? Absolutely. Is that selfish of me? Maybe so. Is it still a good, pure request? Indeed.And do I have control over it? Not at all.
Mom is incredible. Her faith and dad's faith has been an example of strength and grace unparalleled. I know that God gave Zach and I those two as gifts. We are so grateful; our Lord is so good!
And our family is not giving up the fight. It's not within my nature to accept that there is nothing left to do. I'm always looking for loopholes, for rules to break, for glass ceilings to shatter. :) This situation is certainly no different.
So, Satan. Your rude awakening did not keep me down. It's not holding our family back.
Mom is alive! We are dynamic, we are sustained, we are growing in a purposeful direction -- closer to the heart of our Creator. Being on that path allows God to chisel our hearts into shapes where His peace prevails.
May all the dark and all the bright days ahead show that everlasting peace reigning supreme.
Boom.
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