My Anthems of Song
There were two songs this year that will forever mark 2018 for me. Each song represents a season. And each song gently holds feelings, complications, and some soul yearnings.
In April 2018, I got some news that ripped me in half. Sensitive news that affected every aspect of our lives. News I wasn't prepared for; news I didn't know what to do with; news that would change the course of our lives and marriage and future. I was at an utter loss with what to do or think or feel or how to act.
So I went on a drive.
I didn't know where I was going. I didn't know anything, I just drove. Calmly, but without purpose, I drove. Maybe for therapy. Maybe because I didn't know what else to do. Maybe because sitting still in our house would not have been good for me.
But on this drive, I was held. In the midst of hopelessness and anguish, I was not alone.
Holy moly, how I needed to feel that... to know I was being loved in the depths of my being.
And there was a song that helped communicate those inexplicable feelings to me, while my anguish was still strong. The duality of life was so apparent during this drive -- how good and bad can exist at the exact same time.
So this song, So Will I by Hillsong United, came on. I proceeded to listen to it as loud as my car would let me and I listened to it on repeat. Like, over and over. Because I had no other words.
And because, in the midst of trial, I had no other choice than to worship the God of this universe. There was nothing else to do.
Thus 2018 Anthem #1: So Will I (100 Billion Times)
Video #1
God of creation
There at the start, before the beginning of time
With no point of reference
You spoke to the dark and fleshed out the wonder of light
And as You speak
A hundred billion galaxies are born
In the vapour of Your breath the planets form
If the stars were made to worship, so will I
I can see Your heart in everything You've made
Every burning star, a signal fire of grace
If creation sings Your praises, so will I
God of Your promise
You don't speak in vain, no syllable empty or void
For once You have spoken
All nature and science, follow the sound of Your voice
And as You speak
A hundred billion creatures catch Your breath
Evolving in pursuit of what You said
If it all reveals Your nature, so will I
I can see Your heart in everything You say
Every painted sky, a canvas of Your grace
If creation still obeys You, so will I
So will I, so will I
If the stars were made to worship, so will I
If the mountains bow in reverence, so will I
If the oceans roar Your greatness, so will I
For if everything exists to lift You high, so will I
And if the wind goes where You send it, so will I
If the rocks cry out in silence, so will I
If the sum of all our praises still falls shy
Then we'll sing again a hundred billion times!
God of salvation
You chased down my heart through all of my failure and pride
On a hill You created
The light of the world abandoned in darkness to die
And as You speak
A hundred billion failures disappear
Where You lost Your life so I could find it here
If You left the grave behind You, so will I
I can see Your heart in everything You've done
Every part designed in a work of art called love
If You gladly chose surrender, so will I
I can see Your heart, eight billion different ways
Every precious one, a child You died to save
If You gave Your life to love them, so will I
Like You would again a hundred billion times
But what measure could amount to Your desire?
You're the One who never leaves the one behind
Fast forward to August 2018, and I went for another drive. This time around, I was chasing a sunset and I decided to turn on the song again. And by this point, there had been lots of heartache, love, tears, hard work, and decisions since April. Upon listening to my Anthem #1, I texted my best friend the following:
"I just drove into the sunset and listened to So Will I on repeat. The last time I did that was [in April]. I drove around aimlessly and listened to this song in the midst of shock, panic, and helplessness. Tonight, I listened to it with thanksgiving, humility, and hope.
Our God is faithful."
Amen.
My 2018 was a year that contained a lot of personal growth. I started the SHE Refined study and God was talking to me directly through that in many ways. One of the things I greatly struggle with, I found out, was my own identity. And if my identity is not rooted (it wasn't), then my entire life is a just the riding of waves...who I think I am is at the mercy of every outside influence except Truth. God seemed to want to get this point across to me as I began to study deeper what Identity really means and involves. He kept reminding me from all sides that I needed to be paying attention. That my identity is foundation, that it matters, and that the lack of my being rooted has been impacting me in ways, behind the scenes, that I had no idea about. I needed to start over. I needed a reboot.
During that time, a new Lauren Daigle song came out. As if God wasn't working hard enough to get my attention, I apparently needed an extra boost. And with Anthem 2018 #2, I finally bowed in humility and said "Yes...okay, okay. I'm on it. I am who You say I am, and I choose to believe You!"
Now, living this out is much easier said than done and I'm a total work in progress... But I did reboot. I did restart. I made the purposeful effort to re-define who I thought I was and speak Truth into who I actually am. I listed out my defining and unwavering characteristics. I repeated them. I tried to memorize them. I contacted the same best friend as previously mentioned and told her that I needed her to remind me of these things, to remind me of my identity in Christ. Because it matters so.very.much.
All of my intentional work on this started in June, was intense in July, and went on into August. It was so refreshing to go back to the basics. And it was also challenging to test my personal trust in my Creator -- if He's telling me these things about myself, do I really trust Him enough to believe them?
I'm working on it.
Thus 2018 Anthem #2: You Say
Video #2
In April 2018, I got some news that ripped me in half. Sensitive news that affected every aspect of our lives. News I wasn't prepared for; news I didn't know what to do with; news that would change the course of our lives and marriage and future. I was at an utter loss with what to do or think or feel or how to act.
So I went on a drive.
I didn't know where I was going. I didn't know anything, I just drove. Calmly, but without purpose, I drove. Maybe for therapy. Maybe because I didn't know what else to do. Maybe because sitting still in our house would not have been good for me.
But on this drive, I was held. In the midst of hopelessness and anguish, I was not alone.
Holy moly, how I needed to feel that... to know I was being loved in the depths of my being.
And there was a song that helped communicate those inexplicable feelings to me, while my anguish was still strong. The duality of life was so apparent during this drive -- how good and bad can exist at the exact same time.
So this song, So Will I by Hillsong United, came on. I proceeded to listen to it as loud as my car would let me and I listened to it on repeat. Like, over and over. Because I had no other words.
And because, in the midst of trial, I had no other choice than to worship the God of this universe. There was nothing else to do.
Thus 2018 Anthem #1: So Will I (100 Billion Times)
Video #1
Lyrics: (like, we can't not read how powerful these Truths are)
God of creation
There at the start, before the beginning of time
With no point of reference
You spoke to the dark and fleshed out the wonder of light
And as You speak
A hundred billion galaxies are born
In the vapour of Your breath the planets form
If the stars were made to worship, so will I
I can see Your heart in everything You've made
Every burning star, a signal fire of grace
If creation sings Your praises, so will I
God of Your promise
You don't speak in vain, no syllable empty or void
For once You have spoken
All nature and science, follow the sound of Your voice
And as You speak
A hundred billion creatures catch Your breath
Evolving in pursuit of what You said
If it all reveals Your nature, so will I
I can see Your heart in everything You say
Every painted sky, a canvas of Your grace
If creation still obeys You, so will I
So will I, so will I
If the stars were made to worship, so will I
If the mountains bow in reverence, so will I
If the oceans roar Your greatness, so will I
For if everything exists to lift You high, so will I
And if the wind goes where You send it, so will I
If the rocks cry out in silence, so will I
If the sum of all our praises still falls shy
Then we'll sing again a hundred billion times!
God of salvation
You chased down my heart through all of my failure and pride
On a hill You created
The light of the world abandoned in darkness to die
And as You speak
A hundred billion failures disappear
Where You lost Your life so I could find it here
If You left the grave behind You, so will I
I can see Your heart in everything You've done
Every part designed in a work of art called love
If You gladly chose surrender, so will I
I can see Your heart, eight billion different ways
Every precious one, a child You died to save
If You gave Your life to love them, so will I
Like You would again a hundred billion times
But what measure could amount to Your desire?
You're the One who never leaves the one behind
"I just drove into the sunset and listened to So Will I on repeat. The last time I did that was [in April]. I drove around aimlessly and listened to this song in the midst of shock, panic, and helplessness. Tonight, I listened to it with thanksgiving, humility, and hope.
Our God is faithful."
Amen.
______________________________________________________________
My 2018 was a year that contained a lot of personal growth. I started the SHE Refined study and God was talking to me directly through that in many ways. One of the things I greatly struggle with, I found out, was my own identity. And if my identity is not rooted (it wasn't), then my entire life is a just the riding of waves...who I think I am is at the mercy of every outside influence except Truth. God seemed to want to get this point across to me as I began to study deeper what Identity really means and involves. He kept reminding me from all sides that I needed to be paying attention. That my identity is foundation, that it matters, and that the lack of my being rooted has been impacting me in ways, behind the scenes, that I had no idea about. I needed to start over. I needed a reboot.
During that time, a new Lauren Daigle song came out. As if God wasn't working hard enough to get my attention, I apparently needed an extra boost. And with Anthem 2018 #2, I finally bowed in humility and said "Yes...okay, okay. I'm on it. I am who You say I am, and I choose to believe You!"
Now, living this out is much easier said than done and I'm a total work in progress... But I did reboot. I did restart. I made the purposeful effort to re-define who I thought I was and speak Truth into who I actually am. I listed out my defining and unwavering characteristics. I repeated them. I tried to memorize them. I contacted the same best friend as previously mentioned and told her that I needed her to remind me of these things, to remind me of my identity in Christ. Because it matters so.very.much.
All of my intentional work on this started in June, was intense in July, and went on into August. It was so refreshing to go back to the basics. And it was also challenging to test my personal trust in my Creator -- if He's telling me these things about myself, do I really trust Him enough to believe them?
I'm working on it.
Thus 2018 Anthem #2: You Say
Video #2
Lyrics: (like, we can't not read how powerful these Truths are)
I keep fighting voices in my mind that say I'm not enough
Every single lie that tells me I will never measure up
Am I more than just the sum of every high and every low?
Remind me once again just who I am because I need to know
You say I am loved when I can't feel a thing
You say I am strong when I think I am weak
And You say I am held when I am falling short
And when I don't belong, oh You say I am Yours
And I believe, oh I believe
What You say of me
I believe
The only thing that matters now is everything You think of me
In You I find my worth, in You I find my identity, o-ooh
You say I am loved when I can't feel a thing
You say I am strong when I think I am weak
And You say I am held when I am falling short
And when I don't belong, oh You say I am Yours
And I believe, oh I believe
What You say of me
Oh, I believe
Taking all I have and now I'm laying it at Your feet
You have every failure God, and You'll have every victory, o-ooh
You say I am loved when I can't feel a thing
You say I am strong when I think I am weak
You say I am held when I am falling short
When I don't belong, oh You say I am Yours
And I believe, oh I believe
What You say of me
I believe
Oh I believe
Yes I believe
What You say of me
Oh I believe
I keep fighting voices in my mind that say I'm not enough
Every single lie that tells me I will never measure up
Am I more than just the sum of every high and every low?
Remind me once again just who I am because I need to know
You say I am loved when I can't feel a thing
You say I am strong when I think I am weak
And You say I am held when I am falling short
And when I don't belong, oh You say I am Yours
And I believe, oh I believe
What You say of me
I believe
The only thing that matters now is everything You think of me
In You I find my worth, in You I find my identity, o-ooh
You say I am loved when I can't feel a thing
You say I am strong when I think I am weak
And You say I am held when I am falling short
And when I don't belong, oh You say I am Yours
And I believe, oh I believe
What You say of me
Oh, I believe
Taking all I have and now I'm laying it at Your feet
You have every failure God, and You'll have every victory, o-ooh
You say I am loved when I can't feel a thing
You say I am strong when I think I am weak
You say I am held when I am falling short
When I don't belong, oh You say I am Yours
And I believe, oh I believe
What You say of me
I believe
Oh I believe
Yes I believe
What You say of me
Oh I believe
______________________________________________________________
I am so thankful for 2018 and particularly the two theme songs that will forever define this year for me. I cling to these songs and hold them close. I raise my anthems up in gratitude and with honor to the One who knows me.
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