Marriage: Year One

We are on our 16th month of marriage! And my...how it FLIES, but how we have GROWN.  Before time escapes me completely, I want to document some of the lessons learned in our first year of marriage. So I can look back in the future and giggle, laugh, call us "newbies", and reminisce about how beautiful the journey is. Year One lessons, here we go.

• I've learned in this year that how I define myself matters. Prior to being one with another human, I prided myself in being independent. Self-sufficient. Confident. I didn't need anyone...  Yet after getting married, I shocked myself with how quickly I became accustomed to depending on someone. I definitely became a more dependent person, which isn't a negative thing at all, but I also think I took it a little too far. I subconsciously gave my fragile self-esteem over to my husband to hold in his hands. I was often offended and hurt by things he said. I depended on another human to lift me up, hold me up, and be a constant encourager.  When my husband couldn't meet those impossible expectations, I was crushed. Over and over again. My spirit deflated. Over and over again.  Suddenly my husband had more power over me than the Lord did. Suddenly I was no longer an independent women who defined my worth based on the Truth I knew about who I was. Suddenly, the very definition of myself became a wavering, inconsistent thing based on another human.  Even though I cherish that particular human dearly, he can't fulfill me.  He can't continuously be the person or thing that gives me worth.  I had willingly given him that power, yet that power wasn't his to have.
  That responsibility rests only and fully in the Lord.
  And so. How I define myself matters.
  I don't want to, even having deeply longed for a husband to share my life with, be dependent on our marriage for my own self-worth and security.
  I choose to define myself by whose child I am. By the One who created me. By the Father who gave me the blessing of a husband with the intent of making us both stronger together -- not weaker because we push Him out of the equation.
  After Year One of marriage, I pray I can make a conscious and continual effort to define myself as a wife who pursues our God.  Amen, and Lord help me.  

• Year One has provided numerous opportunities to show me what "covenant" really means.  A covenant is a promise or a pledge. But it's also so much more than that. Covenant requires action.  It requires you to put your words into play. You say you love a person? Show it. Do it. And, pour out love when someone is the least lovable human on the planet.
  The covenant of marriage isn't founded on a passive promise, it's centered around active intentionality.  This first year of marriage, my husband and I have tested the boundaries of that sacred pledge to one another.  We have not been model examples of a husband and wife.  But our bound covenant has taught us to love through the hardships.  And it's taught us that we CAN do it!  We can live in committed union with one another, showing love beyond what we think we are capable of ourselves.
  God honors our covenant we made to one another, just as He honors the covenant we made together to Him.  I feel like sometimes we have had supernatural love poured out of each of us -- not because we love well, but rather because we love so poorly that the Lord's love, only, is what sustains us.
  God, I thank you for teaching us how sacred covenant is and how we can live well because of it and in spite of ourselves.

• I have learned humility in this past year.  Mhmm!  For the sake of relationship, my pride has taken a hit a time or two (or 264 million). That's humbling in and of itself.  But you know what else will knock you to your knees?  Having someone thoroughly know you. Another human being on this planet knows my goodness -- but he also knows my bad and my uber bad.  A person whom I adore has now experienced my ugly traits, flaws, characteristics, and malice.  Ugh.  I hate it.  But I also cherish it.  Because even though another person has seen my absolute worst (and even brings it out of me more so than anyone else can!), I am still loved. I do not understand how!  But I am seen, known, and loved by the man given to me to do earthly life with.  My, my.  Humility makes love run deeper.  Humility changes how to see someone.  Humility changes your purpose, igniting a desire to be responsive instead of reactive.
  Humility is a characteristic cherished by our God.  He can mold us and use us far better if we are humbled because of our great need for Him and the incredible grace given to us we don't deserved.  Let's face it.  We are uber ugly fallen humans.  Yet to our God who knows us through and through, we are made perfect and loved fully.
  I mean.  Really?!  I can't properly describe this concept or this God we have.  
  Thank you, Lord, for making marriage a tool to experiencing who You are just a little more.  

Man. I am grateful for Year One of marriage.  I can only hope it's made me a better person.  A person on a journey with a wonderful man towards looking more and more like a good God, a great Creator.

Year One, you've been hard.  In so many ways, you kicked our butts. (*details could be given over a cup of coffee vs over the internet)  But I like you and am thankful for you, Year One.  ~Cheers~

10/24/15-10/24/16