A recent lament
I feel like the past 15 months without Mom has consisted of quite a bit of mourning. Healthy mourning. Personal mourning. It's painful, yes. Little things can trigger the most heart-wrenching of emotions. But I feel like I've grieved most significantly over losing Judy Swift Newton. Judy, as a person. As a woman.
The world has lost her laughter and her joy, her compassion and her love for children. In this earthly life, we'll never again get to experience her goofiness or her godly advice...that came straight from someone who knew her Lord intimately. We won't get to smell how her Woman perfume makes her smell like the Judy we all adore. We won't get to crack up at her silliness, be charmed by her personality, or feel incomparably loved by how she cared for people as beautiful individuals. I won't get to bet pennies on card games with her or go on crazy "I love Lucy"-esque adventures with her. I'll miss her being called up onto various stages for embarrassing performances, and winning all sorts of random drawings that lead to more adventures. Her traditions, her thoughtfulness, how she made holidays and events so special... She was exceptional and humble. Ridiculous and hilarious. Strong. She was looked up to as an example, available for anyone who needed a listening ear or a shoulder to cry on.
Judy.
There was SO MUCH to Judy!!!
But.
It's only been the past month (14 months or so into post-death mourning) that I've really started to grieve the loss of my mother on top of all that. I miss Judy dearly for who she was as a person, but it's recently hit me how much a desperately need her as my MOM.
She was perfect for me.
I am her little mini-me and we definitely fell off of the same tree. But I think our tree, momma's & mine, is a little...abnormal... :) Unique -- we came from a unique tree. Cut from the same piece of cloth. An out-of-the-ordinary piece of cloth.
Because of that, Mom GOT ME. She knew exactly how I felt, and often she knew what I was thinking. She could explain things to me in a way that I understood when no one else did, because we had the same mentality. We could analyze situations together without much miscommunication or interpretation because we spoke the same "language". She walked with me through my decisions and life milestones. She knew what I needed and often what I wanted. She knew when to back off and when to be patient, versus when I needed her most. My ridiculous reactions and silly circumstances made sense to her. And trust me, those things don't made much sense to ANYone else!!
She got me. She knew me. Knowing her taught me about myself.
I'd say she was my truest kindred spirit.
And I was so akin to her that while growing up I wanted some contrast between us, on account of my extreme independence....but after growing up, there was NO ONE ELSE I'd ever want to be more like, or ever feel more privileged to be associated with.
Those things are the things that I am newly...no, maybe just more intensely...grieving over.
Many times in the past few weeks, I have needed someone to talk to...someone whom I don't have to explain myself to. Someone who already knows my thought processes and how I come to conclusions in my head. Someone that can see the grand picture clearer than I or clearer than just a third party listener. Someone to talk through situations with me, already intuitively knowing my needs and desires based off of my personality and love for the Lord. Already knowing what encouragement that I might need and/or benefit from based off of her own past and growth . Life lessons that I would come to understand either immediately, or maybe someday when relevancy came into play.
That'd be Mom.
I have needed my momma.
And the absence of her in this light brings about a whole new, different form of mourning. A grief that also consists of a slight panic. What if I can't do this on my own?! What if I make the wrong choices?!
I miss Judy. I need her.
Yet in the midst of this particular phase (that really may never end, though the harshness of it will dwindle), God's Peace can be found. I know that though I don't have my earthly comrade, I had her for a little while. For 27 beautiful years, the one who gave me life was a gift in my life. I can't help but be overwhelmingly grateful for those years because I know how invaluable it was to have a wonderful mother who loved me so and invested deeply into me. I am reminded of those who aren't blessed with what I thought was "normal". I am increasingly aware of the brokenness of this world which makes those years with Mom utterly priceless.
Thank you, Lord. Thank you.
God gives and God takes away.
Maybe He is strengthening me by removing something that I clung to. I don't know. But I do know that even when things are absent in life, God hasn't left. He never will. He maybe not be a tangible voice in my ear, but God speaks.
I pray that when I feel like I need Mom the most, I can humbly (even desperately) depend on the One who truly does know my heart. The One who, even more so than Judy, knows my needs and desires and future and uniqueness of my soul. I pray that I can fully lean on (even collapse into) the guiding arms of my Creator who holds me up, and who grants wisdom and courage to make choices that bring about His glory.
The world has lost her laughter and her joy, her compassion and her love for children. In this earthly life, we'll never again get to experience her goofiness or her godly advice...that came straight from someone who knew her Lord intimately. We won't get to smell how her Woman perfume makes her smell like the Judy we all adore. We won't get to crack up at her silliness, be charmed by her personality, or feel incomparably loved by how she cared for people as beautiful individuals. I won't get to bet pennies on card games with her or go on crazy "I love Lucy"-esque adventures with her. I'll miss her being called up onto various stages for embarrassing performances, and winning all sorts of random drawings that lead to more adventures. Her traditions, her thoughtfulness, how she made holidays and events so special... She was exceptional and humble. Ridiculous and hilarious. Strong. She was looked up to as an example, available for anyone who needed a listening ear or a shoulder to cry on.
Judy.
There was SO MUCH to Judy!!!
But.
It's only been the past month (14 months or so into post-death mourning) that I've really started to grieve the loss of my mother on top of all that. I miss Judy dearly for who she was as a person, but it's recently hit me how much a desperately need her as my MOM.
She was perfect for me.
I am her little mini-me and we definitely fell off of the same tree. But I think our tree, momma's & mine, is a little...abnormal... :) Unique -- we came from a unique tree. Cut from the same piece of cloth. An out-of-the-ordinary piece of cloth.
Because of that, Mom GOT ME. She knew exactly how I felt, and often she knew what I was thinking. She could explain things to me in a way that I understood when no one else did, because we had the same mentality. We could analyze situations together without much miscommunication or interpretation because we spoke the same "language". She walked with me through my decisions and life milestones. She knew what I needed and often what I wanted. She knew when to back off and when to be patient, versus when I needed her most. My ridiculous reactions and silly circumstances made sense to her. And trust me, those things don't made much sense to ANYone else!!
She got me. She knew me. Knowing her taught me about myself.
I'd say she was my truest kindred spirit.
And I was so akin to her that while growing up I wanted some contrast between us, on account of my extreme independence....but after growing up, there was NO ONE ELSE I'd ever want to be more like, or ever feel more privileged to be associated with.
Those things are the things that I am newly...no, maybe just more intensely...grieving over.
Many times in the past few weeks, I have needed someone to talk to...someone whom I don't have to explain myself to. Someone who already knows my thought processes and how I come to conclusions in my head. Someone that can see the grand picture clearer than I or clearer than just a third party listener. Someone to talk through situations with me, already intuitively knowing my needs and desires based off of my personality and love for the Lord. Already knowing what encouragement that I might need and/or benefit from based off of her own past and growth . Life lessons that I would come to understand either immediately, or maybe someday when relevancy came into play.
That'd be Mom.
I have needed my momma.
And the absence of her in this light brings about a whole new, different form of mourning. A grief that also consists of a slight panic. What if I can't do this on my own?! What if I make the wrong choices?!
I miss Judy. I need her.
Yet in the midst of this particular phase (that really may never end, though the harshness of it will dwindle), God's Peace can be found. I know that though I don't have my earthly comrade, I had her for a little while. For 27 beautiful years, the one who gave me life was a gift in my life. I can't help but be overwhelmingly grateful for those years because I know how invaluable it was to have a wonderful mother who loved me so and invested deeply into me. I am reminded of those who aren't blessed with what I thought was "normal". I am increasingly aware of the brokenness of this world which makes those years with Mom utterly priceless.
Thank you, Lord. Thank you.
God gives and God takes away.
Maybe He is strengthening me by removing something that I clung to. I don't know. But I do know that even when things are absent in life, God hasn't left. He never will. He maybe not be a tangible voice in my ear, but God speaks.
I pray that when I feel like I need Mom the most, I can humbly (even desperately) depend on the One who truly does know my heart. The One who, even more so than Judy, knows my needs and desires and future and uniqueness of my soul. I pray that I can fully lean on (even collapse into) the guiding arms of my Creator who holds me up, and who grants wisdom and courage to make choices that bring about His glory.
I pray for those things. Miss you, Mom. Thank you, Lord.
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